Random Twilight Shizz
by HikariRosalie
Summary: First, we teach the Volturi The Game. Then, we rule the world. This is what me and my friend think of while walkin around school. From superiorly random to maybe highly explicit. Will be the funniest thing you have ever read. Chapter four has been edited.
1. The Game

**This how some stupid humans taught the Volturi "The Game".**

Heidi lead Hannah, Alexa, Nisha, Mona, and me into the castle, pointing out interesting facts that I cared about but nobody else did. Gosh! Anyway, our tour guide lead us to two giant, and extremely ominous (dun dun dun!) oak doors. "And this," she said, revealing a sparkling set of freakishly weird looking teeth, "is the Main Hall. Otherwise known as the Feeding Room." "Feeding room!?!?" we screamed. "A man with skin that reminded me oddly of onions getting' it on whispered to us, "Thank you for offering your lives to us." And just as he was about to give some secret signal I screamed, "Stooooooop!!!! Hammer time!" "Aura, we are about to die and all you can think about is a rap song!" Alexa yelled at me. "What do you want human?" the old onion man asked me. "How about I make a proposition." "Yes?" he asked. Ha, this is pure sheenius. "If you let us live…." "Yes?" the one sitting next to him repeated, looking bored. "We will teach you something that is so full of wisdom it will blow your mind." "What!?!?" screamed a girl that looked like our age except extreeemely spastic. Kinda like Hannah. "The Game. We will teach you The Game." "What is this game?" Alright this just might work. "Hannah," I turned to her, all serious, "Could you please explain the first rule of the game?" "Okaaay. Ummm, the first rule of The Game is that you cannot think of the game or you lose. Upon losing you must exclaim in a loud and thoroughly obnoxious voice, 'I lost The Game!'" I nodded towards Nisha. "The second rule is that you can never stop playing The Game. For eternity." Mr. I-Wrapped-Myself-In-Onions smiled. "This might be fun," he whispered excitedly. Alexa added in a crazed voice that, for the first time, made me question her sanity (OOC), "The third rule is that there are no rules." And then, because some of the vampires were eyeing us hungrily, I quickly added, "The last two rules are that you can never win The Game and The Game does not exist." The Onion Man jumped up and began to dance a jig screaming, "Splendid. Absolutely splendid!!" When the creepy spazzoid tried to move Mona so that she could dance with Mr. Onion, who had started dancing with me, Mona said, "Bitch, please." She was promptly eaten. When Fucked-Up Onions stopped dancing with Nisha, he did a final little turn and proclaimed, "For such a genius idea I will not only give you your lives, I will grant you immortality." "No!" we screamed, but we were bitten anyways. How sad. "I also declare myself the official game proctor and will check to make sure that no one is cheating."

Yeah so we end this chapter writhing in pain. Will there be a next chapter. Who knows what the randomness can procure.


	2. Cedward has MPD

**This is how everyone figured out that Edward has multiple personality disorder.**

We are being turned into vampires. NOOOOOOO! The pain has been…unendurable, but Hannah, Alexa, Nisha, and I are prevailing. I have just recently regained my awareness of the world beyond the firey lava badness oozing itself through my veins and the rest of my body. (Oh, my God this is a serious beginning. I know.) Ok, so now I can hear…._everything. _Eeeewww, a guy two miles away just farted. Ech! What's that? Voices in the castle? How can I not eavesdrop on them to pass the time away while I lay here burning? This is going to be phun! "It is nice to see you again, Aro," a pleasant voice said. Hmmm, reminds me of my family doctor. But she was a girl. Oooops. "Welcome, friend Carlisle. I have been waiting for a visit from you and your family." Oh. My. Gothothoth. It's Mr. Caramelized Onion-Skin Man! Yay!!! I mean, oh no. "So nice to see you again," a slightly might-have-been-at-one-time-teenagerlike voice said. Hannah! I mean, Jane! No, Hannah! Ok, Jane. "And you as well," Carlizzle commented back. A scream from beside me breaks my concentration. Oh yeah, I haven't done that in a well. I scream. Well, that was fun, but now it is time to return to our voices. Apparently, they had been introducing themselves. "And I am Edward. No, Harry, DON'T!!!!!" Silence. _In the sounds of silence…_ "Umm, Edward. What are you??" "Stay away from him!!!" Eddie boy shouts and then a collision can be heard if you are sitting on the left of the airplane. The pain has stopped!! Yay!!!!! I am a vampire. RAWR!!!! I sit up and look at everybody. Before I know it, I am attacked. Ok, I know it's supposed to be an instinct to fight back, but really I see no danger. "Hannah, what in the name of Gaara of the Phunk are you doing?" I ask. Suddenly, Hannah is gone. Awww, but I liked Hannah. We look at each other momentarily. "How did we get here?" Nisha questions. "We have been turned into vampires," Alexa explains. "We what?" Hannah screams. Suddenly, the door explodes into a thousand leetle pieces. There they go. "I have to win!" Edward screams. "I must beat Harry!" "Dude! Like, get a grip! Spaz," I say. Gosh, more and more Hannahs in the world. Suddenly, I get punched into the wall. Like seriously, the wall and I become one. Then two reeeaaallyyyy hot guys grab Edward and pull him back before he pummels me into the south side of China. "Edward, what is going on!?!" the big black-haired one shouts. MMMMM, he's dreamy. "I must save Harry and destroy Lord Voldemort!" "Ummmm, you mean Harry Potter?" Alexa looks puzzled. Edward looks up. I pull myself out of my me-sized whole in the wall and smile. "He doesn't really believe he's from Harry Potter does he?" I ask. I mean come on, that must mean he has…. "Cedric Diggory!" Nisha exclaims. "What….happened?" Edward asks. Nothing you just have Multiple Personality Disorder. "I have MPD?" Edward repeats. "You can read my mind?" I ask. Haha, pudding. Edward starts laughing uproariously. The blonde vampire who was holding him back looks bewildered. "She…chuckle…She said…guffaw…pudding." And then Edward starts laughing again. Weird…. Then Onions-for-Brains and Ms. Jane walk into the room along with the other people from before. "This Carlisle, is what I wanted you to see. Meet the super-vamps in the world. Go, go Vampire Rangers!

**Well, that's all for now folks. See ya in a little while.**


	3. It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's Hannah!

**This is how some newborn vampires figured out their abilities:**

"These newborns were extremely talented as humans," Here-Comes-the-Onion-Man continued. "They taught us something you must remind me about later called 'The Game'." "I lost 'The Game'!" Hannah says. "Hannah!" Everyone turns and glares at her. "Aro," Carlisle says. "Yes, my friend Carlisle?" Aro asks. Wait. Carlisle? Aro? Edward? Jane!?! "Holy Gaara of the Phunk! We're in the world of Twilight!" I realize. Aww, that means I have to stop coming up with onion-related names for Aro. Oh, well. "Are you sure this is safe?" Carlisle asks. Aro lookth ecthathperated. "You see, Carlisle. They know of things vampires have never even dreamed of knowing. I have read through their thoughts. They will have very promising abilities," Aro explains to everyone present. Grrr8. Haha, Frosted Flakes. No wait! Frosted Vampires. They're more than good, They're Grrr8! Now with 20% more sparkle. I raise my paw to wipe my orange and black hair out of my eyes…paw? Orange and black hair? "Aura you've turned into Tony the Tiger!" Nisha yells. "Fitting," Edward chuckles, "She just spent the last five minutes coming up with a Frosted Flakes brand for vampires. As I recall, 'Now with 20% percent more sparkle'?" Wow, Tony the Tiger is ripped. I have muscles in places I didn't think they would be. Oh, god, I forgot Tony the Tiger's a dude. "Ok, how do I go back to normal?" I ask Carlisle, remembering that he is out of all of us here, the only sane one. "Well if thinking of Tony the Tiger got you this way then I'm guessing thinking of your normal self," Carlisle answered. "Yeah the thing is, I have no idea what I look like." "Well," Aro interjected (that sounds so wrong), "Maybe we can try that on our way down to the feeding room." "Okay," Nisha smiles, "I'm famished." "Me, too," everyone else agrees except for Hannah, who looks like Jane just spazzed. "The Feeding Room?" She gulps. "Where we eat humans?" "Yes," Aro agrees condescendingly. "But I'm Jewish," Hannah says. "Drinking blood is against Kosher laws." "But here in the Volturi," Jane actually spazzes, "you must drink human blood." "Well what if I don't want to be in the Volturi," Jane I mean Hannah challenges with a death glare of doom. (Fun fact: Jane and Hannah both are the female equivalents to the name John.) "Then you must be punished for disobeying your leaders," Aro commands and in a whirlwind Hannah is hannahnapped and we are pushed into the wall (well me into my me-sized hole) and are forced to watch as Aro throws Hannah thrown into a hole descriptively labeled 'Neverending Well.' Nice. But soft! Hannah has grown wings and has flown out of the 'Neverending Well.' "Hannah!" we cheer. Aro walks whisper quiet into our room and says, "You may chase after her if you wish. But remember this, the Volturi created and we can destroy you as well." "Not in our lifetime suckers," Nisha yells as we jump out the window to chase after our friend flying away into the sunset.


	4. Jesus was a Vampire!

**Since I forgot to say goodbye last time I am giving some insight into the little world of Random Twilight Shizz. Number One: There is a plotline. Really. Number Two: There are only two OOC characters. Aro and Edward. Yes in chapter one Alexa does go OOC for a second but…that doesn't count. Hopefully everyone else will be kept with their original levels of sanity or insanity. Whichever you prefer. Number Three: ****Here ya go! By the way this new and improved version has been edited by dreamkinen. Got that. You damn well better.**

We have been running for hours now and I have finally stopped looking like

Tony the Tiger. Awww, and I was actually starting to like looking like a giant

cat. (sniffles) We lost Hannah somewhere in east Romania. And I'm thirsty.

But Alexa won't let us stop for a lunch break. Come on, all I want to do is

slaughter an entire village. Is that too much to ask for?

"Hey Alexa," I start to nag. "Aura! We can eat after we find

Hannah!" Alexa commands. Gosh, it's like she took commanding lessons or

something. "Ooh! I have an idea," I say, like a two year old that's just

done something naughty like pooped in the guest bedroom. "What is it this

time Aura?" Nisha asks. "Well, if you really wanna know. Ok, I'll tell

you. Let's play Hide 'N Go Seek for Hannah!"{Editor's note: TEE-HEE!}

I exclaim. "That might work Aura," Alexa approves. "How would that work

Aura?" Nisha asks. Bored. "Don't be so excited. Ok, so it'll be just

like regular jugar escondidos{Editor's note: I think that means hide and

seek for all those like me who don't speak Spanish} except while the seeker

is looking for the other people, they're also looking for Hannah."

"Okay," Nisha and Alexa agree.

"Alright," Nisha says, "Nose Game!"

Nose Game! Who even plays that anymore? Apparently, Nisha. Alexa giggles.

"Aura you lost. Close your eyes and count to 10." Okayziees. Wun. Too.

Sree. Fawr. Fieve. Seex. Sevun. Eit. Niune. Ten!!!!!!!! "Ready or not, man.

Here I come!!!" (Weee! Jamaican man.)

I run 25 miles when I hear something stir in the darkness. (Ooooooh.) I jump

and attack and right before I grab Nisha where she is hiding in the shadows

(of the abyss myahahaha) I turn into Tony the Tiger again! Come on! "Alright

Nisha. I got you," I say laughing in my Tony the Tiger laugh.

"Where's Alexa?" I ask.

"I don't know," Nisha shakes her head, "She was right next to me. We

were planning on ambushing you and then…" (BTW: Most lines she's had all

story.) Oh, no! Alexa's disappeared, not her too! And if Alexa's gone that

means the only one left is Nisha. Noooooooo!!!!{Editor's note: should I add

extra exclamation points, just to see how Hi-chan reacts? Evil thoughts in my

mind .}

"Guys I'm right here." The air shimmers and Alexa magically reappears

in front of us. Did you hear that? Maaagic. "How did you do that?" Nisha

asks.

"I can turn invisible," Alexa replies.

Wait. Vampires have awesome smellinating powers and I couldn't smell her.

Or hear her. Hmmm, I wonder if I could taste her. (Hee hee!) "Oh and I found

Hannah," Alexa says.

"Really?" I ask. "Where?"

"Follow me," Alexa commands in a super dark voice. "Alexa? Are you

ok?" I ask.

"Yeah. I'm fine," she says. "Why do you ask?" "No reason."

"Then get moving," Alexa demands in that creepy voice. (Ok. So maybe I

lied. Alexa is OOC.) Nisha and I are lead to a lake. I stare down into its

depth. "Hey, Nisha! I think I found your soul!"

"Thanks, Aura."

"Oh, look! It's Hannah!" Hannah looks at us and then starts flapping

her wings. Not again! "Nisha get Hannah before she flies off on us again!"

I scream. If she keeps doing this I'm just gonna quit. Before I know it

Nisha is running on water. Like Jesus! Wait, Jesus was a vampire? This changes

everything! Nisha shaquille o'neals and grabs Hannah before she can fly off,

once again, into the dark unknown. Then she runs across the water again back

to us. Wow. Hannah has returned to us, but all Christian religions have just

been blown out of the water. Literally!{Editor's note. Once again, TEE

HEE!!!}

--------------------TEE HEE!-----------------TEE

HEE!!!---------------------------TEE HEE!----------------------TEE

HEE!-----------------TEE HEE!---------------TEE HEE!-----------------TEE

HEE!-------------

Hello! I'm dreamkinen. I just made this account, so anyone who reads the

review should know me as not Jane. I can now say that I am Hannah in the

story, and have the unfortunate nickname of Jane. Anyone who reads this fanfic

has probably read twilight, and would understand why I hate it ^_^. Hi-chan

asked me to edit this fanfic for two reasons… 1, because I am obsessed with

grammar and paragraphs, and 2, well, there is no 2, but it makes me feel

important. Little does she know that I added editor's notes! If I know her

well enough, she isn't going to delete them. Yay for me! I may be editing

another chapter later, so you'll see me later. Bye for now! By the way, the

break is probably really messed up, so o well.

**What will happen next time. That depends. JK. You'll find out soon.**


	5. Are We There Yet?

**This is how some teenager vampires went back to high school:**

"Hannah! Why did you run away?" we ask. "I thought I could help you guys escape if I distracted them." Help us!!??? "The only way you could have helped us is if you stayed in that Never-ending Well!!!!" I scream at her. I'm hungry and this is soo making me angwee. "Calm down Aura. You're just angry that you haven't eaten yet. Look, we can stop by a small town in the Czech Republic," Alexa placates me. Alright, alright maybe I'm a little freaky when I'm hungry, but I was like this as a human. I swear. "So what are we gonna do now?" Nisha asks. I'm still glaring at Hannah who is death glaring at me. Inside her eyes a thousand spastic Jane's are hissing at me with forked tongues. "Well, I think we are going to have to go back to school," Alexa esplains. Back to school?!? Ugh let the matriculation process begin again. "Wait. How are we getting back to the United States?" I ask. "Well, I was thinking of telling you after you forgave Hannah." Alexa smiles sweetly and her newly found dark side shows through. Now Alexa is the one with a forked tongue and a devil get up in my mind. Not the sexy kind. Get that out of your head Aura!! "Ok." I go down on my knees. "Hannah forgive me for being angry with you for your wanting to follow your religious values!!!" I beg Hannah faking a sob and playing with my features to make me look like some kind of tortured prisoner from the Dark Ages. Haha, being able to change colors is fun. "Ok. That was overly dramatic. But, moving on. This is how we are getting back to America," Alexa starts to explain as she begins to run. I stand up and look bored and then follow after her with everyone else. Hmmm, can I be a dude. I mean I turned into Tony the Tiger and he's male so… "When we hit the English Channel we could transport ourselves to the United States. Hannah could fly there. Nisha can run across the ocean. I will swim, and Aura will…" Alexa pauses. "Turn herself into a mermaid and go all 'Under the Sea' on you guys," I continue, smiling. They nod like I just started making uncontrollable movements with my body. They're jealous, Dane. Why do I have to be so beautiful? It's a shame. Oh, look there goes my ego. Weeeee. Wooooo. Oh, no. It fell. "Hey, Alexa?" I ask. "Yeah?" "Are we there yet?" I ask. "No, not yet. We have to turn back around. We found Hannah in Romania remember?" she replies. "Oh, ok. Are we there now?" "No. "How 'bout now?" "No Aura!" Alexa screams, "We are not there yet." We continue running. "Now?" "No!!!!"

**I know. Nothing happened. Just wait until next chapter. Then things really heat up as we change the POV!!!!**


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